The Perils of Updating

 Rant Alert!

I got a new email address.  Therefore, I have been updating it in various places.

  

You'd think this would not be a big deal.  It is though.

Some places just won't allow you to go to their site, find your personal information and edit your email.  So then, you must call.

Calling any business these days requires a major time commitment.  It starts with the heartless computer voice that answers the phone and asks you for information about who you are and what right you have to be calling at all.  Ten minutes later, you're done with that and find yourself on hold.  

Maybe five, maybe forty-five minutes later a human being answers.  They ask you the same questions the computer voice did.  You know, just to verify.  

You tell them you want to change your email.  They tell you they can't do that.  You ask why.  They say something vague, or their accent is so thick you are not quite sure what they said.  You are transferred to someone else.  You ask them if they can help you change your email.  They won't answer until you give them the same information you gave the computer voice and the first person you spoke to...  

Then there's updating your email for your blog.  Stupid technophobe that I am; I did it wrong.  Thinking I'm changing the email a "new improved format" appeared and the blog is gone.  It's a whole new account, a clean slate.  If I hadn't failed to erase my old email or account or whatever, I would not be typing this rant.

For crying out loud, I just thought it was a good idea to update my email.  

I Want a Raise

OK so maybe my dog walking contract isn't coming up for arbitration.  Nonetheless, I want a raise.  Never mind how I'm reliable, and good at my job and all that.  I need a raise due to the hazards and unpleasant surprises I endure in the line of duty.

Some of you are thinking:  Come on.  You've got the best gig in the world.  You get paid to walk dogs!  Fresh air.  Exercise.  Dogs.  You don't have to deal with people.

Well, see, that's the problem.  I DO have to deal with people.  That's why I want a raise.

Example.  I arrive at Charlie's house.  (Charlie is a pseudonym for a large friendly dog who is about 9 years old.  I have known and walked Charlie for some eight years.)

There's a sticky note on the door.  It reads, "shhh the baby's sleeping :)"

As quietly as possible, I insert my key into the lock and push the door open.  I ease inside expecting Charlie to trot merrily up the hall toward me.  No Charlie.

Employing my very best stage whisper, "Charlie!  Charlie?"

Faint whining from somewhere.

"Chaaarlie?"

More whining and the sound of a paw against a door.

There's a door to the right.  I open it.  Charlie emerges.  I quietly put his collar on.

Suddenly, a woman I've never seen before appears.  "Go away!"  She gestures violently.  It is not clear whether she is addressing me, Charlie, or the both of us.

She is looking directly at me now.  "Who are you?"  She looks a bit frightened. 

I feel a little sorry for her because I am no one to fear.  Mostly though, I am very ticked off that this encounter is happening at all.  "I am the dog walker.  Who are you?''  I reply.

Charlie moves toward the woman.  The woman ducks behind a door yelling, "get away!"

I mutter, "jeez, he's a Golden Retriever."  I am thinking something else but my good manners edit the remark.  I let Charlie outside and turn again to the woman.

"Who are you?"  she asks again.

I repeat that I am the dog walker and hand her one of my cards.  I point to the note on the door and ask if the baby is here.   The woman shakes her head.  She says, "I'm going to call Poopsie!"  (Poopsie is a pseudonym for Charlie's owner.)

"Please do."  In a tone slightly more hostile than intended, I add, "look.  I'm going to walk the dog now.  I have a key for the door."  I hold up the key so she can see it.  "This opens the inner door.  That's how I got in.  Please do not lock the outer door.  If you do,  I will have to break a window to get in, then YOU will have to explain the broken window to Poopsie."

I turn and join Charlie outside.  I do not close the door behind me.  Charlie and I take our walk.

I call Poopsie to determine my next move.  Should it turn out that Poopsie is, say, bound in the basement with duct tape, I will take Charlie home with me. 

Poopsie says the woman is the maid.  The maid is afraid of Charlie so Charlie is locked in the spare bedroom while the maid is there.  The maid doesn't usually come on Wednesdays.  The maid called her a little while ago and it's all straightened out.

In closing, Poopsie says, "I forgot to tell you."


If I had a dollar for every time a customer said, "I forgot to tell you"...

Anatomy of an Ad

One morning a few days ago, as I stood on the gray sidewalk rubbing my left hip, an idea emerged. 

Businesses advertise.  Naturally, Dog Walkers advertise too.  While it is true that many of my clients came to me by referral, many too came to me via advertising.  What drew them in? 

My years of experience?  That Pet First Aid certification?

While my own dog stood beside me in the fading darkness of the early morning, I gazed at the ice on which I'd just slipped.  "I really ought to carry a cymbal for such events,"  I told Lois. 


As Lois stood silently waiting for me to finish rubbing my backside, it occurred to me that even though we were tethered together by a leash, when I fell down, Lois did not.  Did I land on my left side because I willed it so?  Was I protecting the dog at the end of the leash in my left hand by falling toward her?  Had I fallen away from her, the leash would have propelled her down with me.  Thanks to the slack in the leash, Lois stayed on her feet while I landed on my derriere.  The same thing occurred a few years ago when I fell down while walking a client dog named Lucy.  I landed on my left buttocks while Lucy remained safely on all four feet.  It happened another time when I was walking a client dog named Hank.  And another time while walking a client dog named Luca.  And there was that time with a client dog named Dakota.

Is this pattern a unique selling point that could be utilized to increase my business? 


How might I use this in my advertising? 

Hire me as your Dog walker and I promise to keep my pratfalls to myself? 
Rest assured, no dogs are harmed during dog walker spills? 
I'll fall all over myself to keep your dog safe?

Is there a slogan somewhere in this slippery affair?

Brice's Bites

Brice is a real estate appraiser. To do his job, he must enter a property and move about inside the home. What with all the foreclosures, Brice has been busy.

A few months ago, Brice complained of being bitten by a Toy Poodle. Only yesterday, he said he was bitten by an "English sheep dog". Brice is a good guy but I'm not convinced that he'd recognize an Old English Sheepdog if one walked up and bit him. Oh, wait.

Breed aside, Brice asked my advice on how he can avoid being bitten in the future. Here's what probably won't work:

1. Tell them you are afraid of dogs. Both times Brice was bitten, the owners told him the dog was "harmless" and the mad barking was nothing to worry about. People who are that rude to someone who made an appointment with them to enter their home, isn't likely to soften into kindness if they think you're scared. They already have the advantage: a dog with teeth. Don't give them more ammunition. And we must acknowledge the very real possibility that there is some hostility present. Let's face it, if your home is being foreclosed upon, Brice is the symbol. And if you don't believe a dog can sense hostility in their owner and who it is aimed at- you are living in a dream world.

2. Tell them a pack of dogs that looks exactly like theirs attacked your village. You were the only survivor. They'll say, no no this is a white Poodle. Only the apricot Poodles are vicious.

3. Appeal to good manners/gosh, I can't hear you while your dog barks in my face. Sorry, anybody who lets their dog abuse a guest, even a not terribly welcome guest like a plumber or an appraiser, is deaf to the notion of being polite.

4. Employ Baby Talk at the dog. Brice admits to trying this. It got him bit by the quasi Sheepdog. While it is true that some dogs respond to baby talk, most dogs with good sense are repulsed by it.

5. Don't look the dog in the eye. This is a good habit for most encounters with a dog you don't know. It suggests that you are not out to challenge the dog. However, if you are there in the dog's territory and you avoid looking at him while still moving boldly about- well- that got Brice bitten. Unless you follow up by dropping to the floor with your belly vulnerable like a submissive puppy, the whole eye contact thing may be moot in this instance.

6. Stop reeking of cat. Brice has a cat. He wonders if the dog is reacting violently to the aroma of said pussy. Doubtful. Most dogs are aware of the damage claws can do. But more importantly, even with his eyes closed, a dog can tell the difference between a cat and a man who smells like a cat.


So what is Brice to do?

The thing is, the people who tell guests that their barking dog is harmless often didn't bother to tell the dog that. Dog Trainers have a name for it: Socialization. Part of teaching your dog includes showing him when it is OK for a stranger to come into his space. Some dogs don't magically get the nuance without explanation. Then folks like Brice suffer.

My best advice for Brice in his quest to go unbitten is to tell the dog owner that it is company policy that all dogs be contained during the appraisal, for liability reasons.

Good luck, Brice.

Customer Service with a Patronizing Touch

As did presumably all other addressees served by the Royal Oak Post Office, I received a letter a couple days ago. It was from Jeff Helmuth, Postmaster.

The Letter read: "Dear Postal Customer,

The United States Postal Service is determined not to have a repeat of last year's record number of accidents caused by snow and icy conditions.

It will be necessary for you to remove the ice and snow from your steps sidewalks and porches within 24 hours of each snowfall. If conditions are unsafe, carriers are instructed to suspend delivery and bring the mail back to the Post Office.

Your carrier strives for complete customer satisfaction and this includes daily delivery of your mail. Please assist your carrier in staying healthy and safe this winter. "




I don't know how everybody feels about this, but I'll bet I'm not the only one who is offended. You can just see Jeff the Postmaster shaking his finger as he orders you to clear your snow now! Accidents in wintry weather are all your fault! Shame shame double shame!

Can you imagine if you received such a letter from FedEx or UPS? You'd stop using their service and switch to a company that treats you with respect. When an organization thinks they are superior to the customer and lets it show- than the customers leave. Could it be, that more customers would leave if the Postal Service was not a government entity?

My mail was delivered a few minutes ago. My carrier isn't talking on the phone or smoking a cigarette. She is focused on delivering the mail to the houses on her route. She is wearing rugged walking boots, a warm coat, gloves and a hat. In other words, dressed for the weather and her job. Evidently my property was adequately clean of treacherous ice because the mail carrier placed the mail in the mailbox and departed in a vertical manner.

No doubt Postmaster Jeff has noticed that weather conditions occur. Here we are in southeast Michigan and it is December. A few days ago we had rain. Then the temperature dropped to below freezing. Then it snowed. Then the sun shone. Then overnight the temperature dropped to the teens. This makes for challenging clean up to prepare for those who deliver in rain and sleet and dark of -what was that slogan again? Notice they don't use it anymore.

I sincerely hope that nobody slips and falls out there in the dangerous outside. Meanwhile, we grown ups do the best we can to clear a safe path for all. We do it even if we are not told to by a government bureaucrat.