Showing posts with label neighbors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label neighbors. Show all posts

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Deer Me

Here in Michigan, firearm hunting season is over.  My daily walks resume without fear of being mistaken for a deer.





My neighbors like some wild meat for their freezer.   Nothing wrong with that.  Alas, my latent paranoia flares up sometimes.  My favorite fall coat is brown. One of my dogs who accompanies me on my walks is tall, gray and long legged. 





I'm surrounded by No Trespassing signs and Keep Out signs and Private Property signs. Thus, I'm not afraid of some stranger wandering by and mistaking me for a deer.  I'm worried that one of the neighbors on the other side of the treeline might get sloppy.  Such is the trouble with irrational fears- they tend toward the irrational.





Just to be clear.  I'm not anti gun or anti hunter.  I like venison.  It's just that my do-it-yourselfer tendencies don't apply to shooting the deer I've been observing all year in my backyard.  I understand that others don't share that policy.  That's why they have venison in their freezer and I don't.






Maybe it's the difference between country people and people who happen to live in the country.  I am the latter.  My suburban background is a stain that won't wash off.  While I'm no wild eyed kid looking to save wild animals (I know about overcrowding.  I've seen the bodies of deer on the side of the road.  I've seen skinny deer in winter).  I just can't imagine shooting that buck when I remember him when his rack was just two little bumps between his ears.







Or one of the does...  There was the one with two fawns.  She was large with a face more horse than deer.  The other doe was smaller, prettier.  I am careful not to name the deer as some people do, so as not to get attached.  Alas, that doesn't change the fact that I recognize them individually.






Should some desperate doomsday apocalypse scenario arise where I'd be forced to shoot to survive,  Little Buck and Big Buck and Pretty Doe and Horse Face might be in danger from this neighbor.






Sure hope it doesn't come to that.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Don't Spook the Deer

The line to vote began at the door and coiled over and over many times before entering the roped section.  Serpentine.  It reminded me of an enjoyable figure skating drill.  Gliding across the ice, crossing one foot over the other, opposite edges of the blade back and forth.  This voting serpentine was slower without ice, needless to add.




It was strangely pleasant packed in that way in this small town, small building.  Strangers and neighbors calmly sardined in line to fulfill a civic duty. 




When the election results came in, Trump won.  "That's not fair!  He didn't win the popular vote!"   Must we review the electoral system for whiny disappointed voters every time they lose?




Now it's time to be sure the PRIVATE PROPERTY, NO HUNTING,  KEEP OUT signs are in place.  Deer hunters are making ready.  When Mabel was alive I used to worry that some over enthusiastic hunter would mistake her for a deer.





I have no delusions that I can protect the deer around here but I sure don't want some lout tromping around my back yard- that includes the neighbors with whom we share a tree line.




One particularly unpleasant tree line neighbor believes that if you fire a gun close to the start of deer season, it will spook the deer.  Yeah.  Sure.  The deer who live around here hear gunfire everyday.  Of course they will be spooked by gunfire in November. 




Never argue with a crazy person.  Our guns are silent.





Saturday, October 3, 2015

Day Laborers




There are many grasshoppers and crickets and spiders to be eaten. 


It's a big job.  The staff can barely keep up.
 
 
 
 
 
Some neighbor ducks came over to help out.
 
 
 
 
 
 
This turkey work crew came out of the woods.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Later, the neighbor ducks headed back across the road.
 
 
 
 
 
 
The turkeys went back into the woods. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The staff went to the break room.
 

Friday, February 6, 2015

Pretty Pigeon Poop

When I was a kid, an old man lived two doors down.  His garage was extra tall because the top half was home to a few dozen pigeons.  On Sunday mornings at seven a persistent scraping sound could be heard.  It was Mr. Pigeon Keeper doing poop removal.

My bedroom window was on the side of the house closest to Mr. Pigeon Keeper's coop.  This is why I can state with certainty that Mr. PK kept to his Sunday chore religiously.





Why the sudden reminiscence of my pigeon keeping neighbor?  Mike Tyson.

Yep.  Mike Tyson and the 93rd Grand National Pigeon Show.


Here's a link that talks about Tyson's soft spot for pretty birds. 

Here's a link with some really cool pictures of pigeons.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Nice to Meet You, I guess

More muses from the new home front.




A couple months ago, I was mowing the lawn with my new tractor.  After a delightful round of figure eights around a row of pine trees,  I zoomed onto the front lawn giddy with the prospect of doing circles around some low lying evergreens.

There standing before the front porch, was a man.  A strange man.  Yeah.  You bet.  I was startled.   

I turned off the tractor, making a silent vow to keep a gun in the side compartment over the rear right wheel from now on.

"I didn't hear the tractor,"  he said.

Maybe the old man is half deaf.  I stuck out my hand and said hello.

He shook my hand and told me his name.  He said, "I just wanted to see who moved in here."






He told me he walks because the doctor told him to walk.  He figured he'd walk over here today.  He pointed north and told me he lives there.  So, the back of my property meets his.  That's nice.

He gazed at the many mature trees around the front of the property.  "Those trees are planted too close together," he declared.

I shrugged.  The trees are where they are.  This uncomfortable interlude reminded me of why I don't like people popping in uninvited, unexpected. 

"Looks like you have some nice dogs," he said.

The dogs were in the fenced in area at the back of the house.  I wondered how long he'd been wandering around the place.  Did he look in all the windows?  Did he stroll inside and use the bathroom?  Did he examine the toolbox in the garage?

"Hope you aren't bothered by gun fire,"  he said.  "We do a lot of shooting around here."

I wish I'd said- Dude, I'm from Detroit.  Gun fire is a fact of life.  Instead I said, "no sweat.  My husband is a gunsmith."

"Gunsmith," he repeated.








A couple days ago, The Handsome One and I did some target shooting.  One of the luxuries of having acreage is being able to shoot in your own back yard.  When we finished, we headed to the house, exhilarated.  A car appeared and pulled up all the way to the garage.  A woman got out of the car.

"You were shooting just now," she declared.  "We don't do that."

"We hear gun fire here all the time," THO said.

"Hunting season starts tomorrow" she declared.  "We don't shoot the day before."

THO very politely said, "sorry, we're new here.  We didn't know."

I cut in, "you're saying we can't shoot handguns on our property?"

"Our property butts up to yours," she said.  "Shooting spooks the deer."

I raised my eyebrows and wanted to say- we hear gun fire everyday and see deer everyday.  You are saying the deer suddenly become spooked by gun fire the day before Firearm Deer Season begins?!  Go away and don't ever insult our intelligence again.  I didn't say that though.  I simply walked into the house and closed the door.






There's an old saying.  Good fences make good neighbors.   Mayhap, it is good guns that make good neighbors.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Grampa, I've Hit the Big Time!

When I was a kid, my grandparents moved from the suburbs to a house on a few acres.  They got themselves a riding lawn mower to handle the grass.  I thought it was very fun to ride that lawn mower.  My grandfather let me mow the lawn.

The years rolled on.  Soon, I had my own home and lawn.  I used a push mower to handle the grass.  Nice and quiet.  Powered by my own sweat.

More years roll on.  Now my "lawn" is several acres.  I still use that push mower around the edges of the house, garage, fence and so on.  The rest of the grass requires something more than an open cylinder with revolving knife blades powered by my measly sweat.

  Enter:  the Lawn Tractor.  Grampa's riding lawn mower was a Tonka Toy in comparison!







Thanks Grampa.   My time on your mower helped prepare me for this milestone.  I'm moving up a cut.
















Monday, July 28, 2014

SOLD




Just a couple brief remarks in between doing the myriad stuff that needs to be done with an impending  move.


 
 
 
Shortly before the lock box was placed on our front doorknob, I got my hair cut.  After telling my hair dresser that we were about to put our home up for sale, she looked off pensively for a moment.  Then she said, "don't worry about it.  Your house will sell in one day."
 
 
 
 
 
 
There are some things I will miss when we move:  the backyard pond, the master bathroom, the bird store, and my hair dresser.    
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Barking

With only a handful of exceptions, dogs bark.

People yammer.  Dogs bark.  Trouble is, sometimes a dog does more barking than is desirable.

You can reduce/control your dog's barking.  It takes patience, timing, consistency, and more patience.





Don't you get it? Shut Up means stop barking, Silly. 





Here's the thing.

Yelling SHUT UP at your dog hoping he will stop barking almost never works.  The reason is pretty basic.  You have to teach your dog what "shut up" means before he can comply with the shut up command.

Some suggest that yelling at your dog while he's barking is tantamount to joining in the barking and serves only to reinforce the barking.  I have an opinion on this but will save it for another time.  For now, we are discussing how to get your dog to stop barking.  Yelling wildly while the dog is barking wildly is, in short, not the answer.


The answer is to teach him a command that means stop barking. 


First, learn his pattern.  When dogs bark they usually do it the same way each time.  They may use different melodies depending on what they're barking at.  For example, the bark used to tree a squirrel has a different cadence than the bark used to intimidate the mail carrier.  To teach your dog the stop barking command you must learn his melody.  Pick a barking target that happens frequently and really listen to your dog's barks.  After a few times you'll recognize the pattern.

The pattern is like notes in a line of music.  You must identify the last note he barks before he stops barking.  That ending note is key.  It is on that final note that you give the stop barking command.  The dog hears the command and stops barking- as he always does per his pattern.  Praise him as soon as he stops barking. 

Next time he barks, give him the stop bark command on that last note of his melody.  He stops barking.  Praise him.

Repeat.  Be consistent. 

You'll need patience.  Barking is a tough doggy habit to break.  Still, it can be done. Eventually, the dog will put it together.  You give the stop barking command - he stops barking.  You praise him.  Ah hah!  Shut up means stop barking.  Learning occurs.


Once you teach your dog what you want him to do (or stop doing) the chances that he'll do what you tell him increase quite a bit.  In time, you can tell your dog to stop barking and he will stop barking.  That sure beats yammering.

More on barking...

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Butcher's Secret

There is a smallish store in my town where I shop for groceries.  Smallish, in that it is big enough to have a decent selection of items, but not so big that you need a compass to find your way from the  soup to the cereal.  And being a regular customer affords me the pleasure of banter with some of the staff. 

Take the meat department for instance.  This is a cheerful group.  Raucous laughter is generally heard from the deli area.  The meat gang is slightly more restrained but typically jolly.  (Ever notice that the disposition of meat eaters leans to the convivial as opposed to the often gloomy manner of the vegan crowd?).

I home cook for my dogs and husband (omnivores all, but clearly flesh aficionados) so I am always on the lookout for good meat deals.  The butchers know me because I buy in bulk.  Today pork chops and chicken thighs are on sale.  As my favorite butcher wraps my order, I happen to notice a little note on the back wall near the time clock. 

It reads:  Bill's Blasting Zone A. 

I chuckle and ask if that is where Bill (my other favorite butcher) goes to fart. 

Yes, she says.  You would not believe the gaseousness of that guy! 

Bill is always friendly and pleasant.  Now I know why.  No pent up gas.  Ever notice how pent up people are usually not so very friendly or pleasant? 

Advice well worth putting into practice.  Let it rip.  But please confine your releases to the designated blasting zone.

Thank you and happy digestion to all!





**the name of the flatulent butcher has been changed to protect him from, well, fart jokes.  Enough is enough.  pfffft

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Blame it on the Bandersnatch

There was a song playing over and over in my head.  Sometimes when I have a song in my head it's naked lyrics.  Sometimes it's with full orchestra accompaniment.  This time I had orchestra and Eydie Gorme's voice too.

Blame it on the Bossa Nova with it's magic spell 
Blame it on the Bossa Nova that he did so well
All it took was just one little dance
and then it ended up a big romance
Blame it on the Bossa Nova
the dance of love


For as long as I can remember, the remedy for a song stuck in my head has been the same.  Sing a partially remembered song I learned in grade school music class. 

The Mademoiselle from something something parlez-vous 
The Mademoiselle from something something parlez-vous 
The Mademoiselle and blah blah blah
the Mademoiselle and la la la 
Rinky dinky parlez- vous 


It almost always works.  By the time I hit the Rinky Dinky line for the second or third time, the song that was stuck in my head is banished.  Curiously, it is not replaced by the Mademoiselle song.  Why?  Maybe it's because I don't understand French and don't really know what the song is about.  Perhaps I believe it'll work, so it does.  Could be that it's happy magic.

Now and then, however, it doesn't work.  For some dark reason the Rinky Dinky doesn't erase the tape in my head so I must try something else.  I've tried singing other songs.  Other songs don't work.  If the Mademoiselle song fails, another song will not work either. 

Forcing myself to think about other stuff sometimes works but - and this is sort of neat- what I think about must be novel.  I can't simply fill my head with say, loving thoughts of The Handsome One.  I can't proudly recall past successes on the softball field.  Imaginative interpretations of cloud formations are an effective strategy.  Wild conspiracy theories work.  Lots of different ideas have proved successful in removing the song.  But they must be absolutely new ideas. 

Absent the novel element,  I'll just end up thinking about something with the unwelcome song in the background.  This is an improvement, but not a solution. Thus, I must come up with a completely unique thought.

My yard, as it so often does, offered inspiration.  From the yard sprung a novelty.

There was a hole in the ground in the grass right next to a stepping stone.  A spray of dirt fanned from one side of the hole.  It was not a terribly large hole, thus the likely culprit was a ground squirrel.  I already had a trowel in my hand.  (I'd been picking up after my dogs).  So I filled the hole back up with the trowel and gave it a couple of good firm stomps with my foot. 

The following day, as usual, I was patrolling the yard, armed with the trowel.  Back at that stepping stone, the hole had been re dug.  The spray of dirt now surrounded the hole, as though punctuating the message:  this hole is here to stay!  Feeling vaguely uneasy,  I glanced around.  Then I crouched down and peered into the hole, half expecting to be struck in the face with whatever this hole dweller used as a weapon.  It was at this moment that I recalled a really cool vocabulary word.

bandersnatch     (BAN-der- snach)  noun
-an imaginary wild animal of fierce disposition

Suppose a bandersnatch dug that hole?  There may be a bandersnatch living under my back yard. Perhaps there are a series of tunnels running under the yards in the entire neighborhood.  Suppose there are dozens, even hundreds of bandersnatches coordinating some nefarious plot?


Eydie Gorme' and the Bossa Nova have left my head.  


I carry a larger trowel these days.










source:  dictonary.com

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Trespassers will be Treed

It is clear to me now why dogs so enjoy chasing critters up trees.  I treed a cat!  In all honesty it was inadvertent.  Admittedly, I am but a novice treer.  Nonetheless, due to my actions, an animal fled up a tree and stayed there (at least for a time).  Thus, it qualifies as a treeing.

The usual morning routine around here is when Lois and I return from our walk the other dogs join us in the backyard.  I then put a cup of seed in the bird feeder which hangs from the Maple tree.  On this day however, there were trespassers in the yard. Three cats were skulking around under the Maple tree.  One of the cats was that enormous clay colored cat that is a frequent visitor.  His companions were a dark brown medium sized cat and a juvenile pale calico.  When I saw them I lunged in their direction and uttered something along the lines of, "yaah!"

They scattered.  The big cat and the brown cat slipped into the next yard, presumably under the fence where it meets a raised concrete area.  The youngster went in the other direction and finding no way out, went up a tree.

My neighbor is not an enthusiastic weed puller.  This results in weeds along the fence line.  Some of these weeds grow into trees.  It was one such tree up which the cat youth found himself.  He clung tightly to a branch and his eyes revealed what you might euphemistically call concern.

Meanwhile, the local birds who are familiar with our morning routine, had witnessed this occurrence.   Sparrows perched in a group on the Weiglela.  Pigeons waited in a row on the phone line.  Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal hung out in the Forsythia.  A Blue jay squawked from the Red Maple in the neighbor's yard.  After I put seed in the feeder, the birds descended.

The adolescent cat loosened his grip on the tree branch and looked around, weighing his options. He could climb down the same way he climbed up.   Or he could move out onto a branch and leap onto another branch then into the shrubs.  But he would need squirrel dexterity to pull that off.  His remaining option was to jump onto the neighbor's roof. 

Some birds pecked at the seed in the feeder and some on the ground while the cat remained in the tree.  A Blue jay perched in a branch at eye level to the cat and jauntily cawed, "in a bit of a bind, aren't you, Bucko?"  A half a dozen Sparrows clustered in the Pussy Willow tree and gazed smugly at the captive kitty.  "Nah, nah.  Bet you wish you had wings, eh Pal?"  Mr. Cardinal perched at a discrete distance while his mate used the feeder.  He cheeped, "hey, Young Fella, you ever hear of  karma?"

Nature can be cruel.  But it isn't every day that it's playground taunting cruel.

Before long, the big cat and the brown cat returned.  They stood on the neighbor's front lawn.  Because the Forsythia bushes blocked the view, we can only assume that they were talking junior down.  Indeed, the kid jumped from the tree onto the roof.  For some time, he moved from side to side of the roof.  Cautiously, he would lean over an edge and peer down.  One imagines his mentors on the ground advising, encouraging their protege'.  Pretty soon the lad leaped onto the awning over the porch than plunged some ten or twelve feet onto the lawn. 

He must have made it.  A peek around the Forthesia hedge revealed no cats in the grass.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Resident Rabbit

If you are sharing your yard with a wild rabbit, odds are, it's a Cottontail. There are several different versions of the Cottontail Rabbit, the most common among them is the Eastern Cottontail. This rabbit can be found from Canada to South America. This is almost certainly the creature that inhabits my own yard.

As any animal lover has noticed, rabbits are cute. It's delightful to look out your window and spot a bunny with a white fluffy tail just sort of hanging out. Part of you begins to grow fond of him. On days you don't see him, you worry. Has he been picked off by an Owl? You understand that this adorable dweller is a wild animal that is not your responsibility. Yet a certain sense of obligation and concern intrudes. This is the power of a cute critter. All it takes to be vulnerable is to be a fairly nice person.

Now then, that's very heartwarming and sentimental. Meanwhile, here, the snow has melted. All winter long the bunny has been loitering by the stump near the driveway. He appeared to be eating the stuff that grows in abundance on and around the stump. This greenery, and it stayed quite green all winter, covers the stump with a unruly mass of curved branches lined with green leaves roughly the size of a quarter. Indeed, even after a winter of rabbit feeding upon it, the shrubbery is still thick. What this greenery is exactly, is unclear.

My weed reference book contains no convincing entry for it. However, it does vaguely (very vaguely) resemble Prostrate Pigweed. I mention this only because it is fun to say Prostrate Pigweed.

Actually, the green thing growing on the stump is most likely of the family Eunoymus. Not insignificant support for this theory is the fact that the Burning Bush is kin to Eunoymus. Ah, the Burning Bush. One once graced my front yard- beautiful riot of magenta leaves in autumn. Two winters ago, rabbit or rabbits unknown ate it to the ground. The Burning Bush did not reemerge. The magenta treat forever decimated.


A looming question remains. If it is a Eunoymus, how the heck did it grow on the stump? I did not plant it. There are a couple of Eunoymous growing under my front window. (Intriguingly, neither is the same color as stumpy). This plant cultivates by sending out shoots along the ground. Little roots protrude from these sprigs eager to establish new Eunoymus. The stump with the maybe Eunoymus growing on it is on the other side of the driveway. How did those branchlet runners make it across that vast expanse of concrete?


Another possible cultivation explanation is this: suppose the bunny who so brutally ingested the Burning Bush defecated on the stump whereby planting a seed. From this seed nestled in fresh manure, sprouted a little plant. In time, it grew to a vigorous spread of juicy green and great great grandrabbit reaped the harvest. A somewhat pleasing hypothesis and a better deal for the beauty of my front yard than the rabbit eating the Eunoymus under the front window.


Speaking of the front window, a very large, frighteningly large, cat frequently keeps vigil under that window. (Much to the consternation of my dogs.) This may or may not be a factor in the bunny's choice of dining location. (One hopes the ground squirrels get savvy to this dire threat.)


And now with spring here, my thoughts turn to planting a nice row of lettuce. Dare I? With more food to choose from, the resident rabbit is sure seek something other than pseudo Eunoymous. Yes, I'm soft hearted and willing to share. But dang it, just as the lettuce reaches the very pinnacle of perfection, you set out to cut some for yourself only to discover that the rabbit beat you to it.


No, we mustn't hold a grudge. Though I still miss that Burning Bush. Where's that sense of duty I was all sappy about? And rabbits are terribly cute. Can't forget that enchanting business of Peter Cottontail hopping down the Bunny Trail, can we? Even the most dedicated curmudgeon likes the Easter Bunny.

Let's have some sympathy for the wild bunny. It's a tough life. All those cars and cats and people and fences to contend with. What's the life span of the suburban rabbit? A year or two? That's not even accounting for the high death rate of the baby rabbit. They are born naked and helpless in an open nest on the ground. Perfect set up for Feral Cat Buffet. Baby Bunny: Appetiser most recommended by Hawks.

OK. I'll plant an extra row and hope there is honor among rabbits. Happy Easter every bunny.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Snowy Sounds

A couple days ago approximately eight inches of snow fell here in southeast Michigan. That's enough snow to reasonably call a Snow Day. And since all it takes these days to call a Snow Day is the mere threat of eight inches of snow, actually receiving eight inches of snow gave the kids a Snow Day. So, when will they get out for summer? Around August 1st? But never mind the kids. They were all still in bed when Lois and I hit the driveway.

You may wonder, when does a dog walker walk her own dog? Well, this dog walker walks her dog first thing in the morning. Which explains why Lois and I were digging a path from the back door to the gate in the Monday morning dark. Once I dug the snow out surrounding the gate allowing exit from the backyard, I figured I might as well dig a path for my husband, The Handsome One's truck. My vehicle was safely tucked in the garage but the truck sat in the driveway covered with a thick pristine sparkly white. By the time I reached the truck's rear view mirror, I was on a roll so I kept shovelling towards the porch. (Fun fact: I am a back door gal. THO is a front door guy. Just goes to show- opposites attract.)

As I labored with the shovel, all around me was the amazing sound of snow. The stillness of it. The peaceful perfection of it. Somehow it mutes ordinary sound while at the same time, acoustically enhances it. The indistinct drone of a neighbor's voice over grass becomes clearly audible words over snow.

Two doors down a man ran a snow blower. Three doors down in the other direction that woman who never makes eye contact scurried around her little car. The snow blower was silent for a minute or two. Then like a bell, a single word exploded through the morning. "F*ck!" This was followed by silence and more of that calm stillness. Then the snow blower man took up a shovel and steady rhythmic scraping against concrete punctuated the calm.

This brings to mind other snowy sounds of note: "shrunch shrunch" is the sound of boots on packed snow at twenty degrees. "Shrork shork" is the sound boots make when it is ten degrees. At thirty-three degrees, a snowball striking a big dog's flank goes, "pthumptf".

Lois waited patiently while I shovelled. She stood inside the gate watching me and watching for the rabbit that seems to live under the tree stump near the driveway. We see the rabbit more often in winter. His gray-brown fur is easy to spot against a white back drop. When he moves through the snow the sound is a faint "zsit zsitp".

More on the bunny, later.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Customer Service with a Patronizing Touch

As did presumably all other addressees served by the Royal Oak Post Office, I received a letter a couple days ago. It was from Jeff Helmuth, Postmaster.

The Letter read: "Dear Postal Customer,

The United States Postal Service is determined not to have a repeat of last year's record number of accidents caused by snow and icy conditions.

It will be necessary for you to remove the ice and snow from your steps sidewalks and porches within 24 hours of each snowfall. If conditions are unsafe, carriers are instructed to suspend delivery and bring the mail back to the Post Office.

Your carrier strives for complete customer satisfaction and this includes daily delivery of your mail. Please assist your carrier in staying healthy and safe this winter. "




I don't know how everybody feels about this, but I'll bet I'm not the only one who is offended. You can just see Jeff the Postmaster shaking his finger as he orders you to clear your snow now! Accidents in wintry weather are all your fault! Shame shame double shame!

Can you imagine if you received such a letter from FedEx or UPS? You'd stop using their service and switch to a company that treats you with respect. When an organization thinks they are superior to the customer and lets it show- than the customers leave. Could it be, that more customers would leave if the Postal Service was not a government entity?

My mail was delivered a few minutes ago. My carrier isn't talking on the phone or smoking a cigarette. She is focused on delivering the mail to the houses on her route. She is wearing rugged walking boots, a warm coat, gloves and a hat. In other words, dressed for the weather and her job. Evidently my property was adequately clean of treacherous ice because the mail carrier placed the mail in the mailbox and departed in a vertical manner.

No doubt Postmaster Jeff has noticed that weather conditions occur. Here we are in southeast Michigan and it is December. A few days ago we had rain. Then the temperature dropped to below freezing. Then it snowed. Then the sun shone. Then overnight the temperature dropped to the teens. This makes for challenging clean up to prepare for those who deliver in rain and sleet and dark of -what was that slogan again? Notice they don't use it anymore.

I sincerely hope that nobody slips and falls out there in the dangerous outside. Meanwhile, we grown ups do the best we can to clear a safe path for all. We do it even if we are not told to by a government bureaucrat.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Bubba the Cat

Some cats live a wild life. Literally. They are just as wild as the squirrels or the sparrows or the skunks. Feral cats are the offspring of domestic cats that have, shall we say, run away from home. Feral cats also come from non neutered house cats that are allowed to roam and impregnate wild cats. Some feral cats live in colonies.

There was one such colony in my own neighborhood, one street over. A bunch of cats lived in an unused garage. Who knows how many. Dozens? Hundreds? It's tempting to say, so what? Cats have just as much right to live as raccoons or bumblebees. Sure they do. But here's the thing. These wild cats must eat. Among other things, this threatens the songbird population. In fact, one day I saw a wild cat with a baby rabbit in it's mouth right under my backyard bird feeder. You may say, this is good. Keep the varmint population in check. I say, that's what hawks are for.

Feral cats use my flower beds as their toilet. Nobody comes up behind them with a plastic bag to pick it up, the way I do with my dogs. And if I let my dogs run wild and mate willy nilly, there would be complaints from the neighbors. All I'm saying is, that all cat owners need to be responsible for their pets. If they were, there would be no feral cats.

But this is about Bubba. Let's talk about Bubba. About four years ago a wild litter of cats was born. One of these kittens was a black and white boy with green eyes. A nice lady took this kitten in and her young son named him Bubba. The boy loved Bubba and wanted to hold him and pet him and overall, treat him like a house cat. Though Bubba seemed to tolerate this good fortune, he escaped the first chance he got. He was found and coaxed close enough to be grabbed and returned to his luxurious prison. You guessed it, he escaped again. And again. Each time it was more difficult to recapture Bubba.

The boy's mother actually camped out in front of my house one night in hopes of spotting Bubba and returning him to caring captivity. Bubba was having none of it. He was born wild and chose to live wild.

Bubba is fairly long lived for a feral cat. After four, or is it five years now? I still see him now and then, under a car in a driveway or walking down the sidewalk. How does he live? Kindly folks put cat food on their back porches. Does Bubba supplement his diet with songbirds and garbage picking? How many children do you suppose he has sired by now?







For more information on feral cats:
feral cat allies- http://www.pgaa.com/feline/general/feralallie.html
for facebook users: http://www.allaboutanimalsrescue.com/

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Icy Procrastination

Though there are very few downsides to having dogs rather than children, one is that you can't make your dog rake leaves. Leaf blower? No thank you. Whenever I'm besieged by the sound of a leaf blower, I feel like I'm in an old Star Trek episode. Alien forces are attacking the Enterprise with sound waves. Kirk and the crew grab their heads in agony, fall down and writhe until they pass out. Someday I'll join in the drama on my front lawn. So far I've refrained because I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I'm a little odd, why confirm their suspicions.

Leaf rakes work very well in moving fallen leaves around. They require no power other than muscle. And they are less likely to cause writhing than are leaf blowers. Procrastinate on raking leaves in November and in March the leaves will still be there, sodden. Then you must stomp on the mushy ground to remove them. This is not recommended.

You can put off indoor chores. Do your spring cleaning in summer? Why not! Most outdoor chores have a smaller window. Take the rain barrel, for example. As we all know, water freezes into ice. Leave your rain barrels out too far into fall and you have rock hard barrels. The hull of the barrel is then exposed to the damaging stress of expansion. When things finally thaw out you have a leaky rain barrel. This is not recommended.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Excerpt from a Dog Walker's Tale

Warning: Moron using Tool

It’s been said that God protects drunks and little children. Clearly, God also protects small dogs with idiot owners.

Tie outs are handy for securing a dog outside when you don’t have a convenient fenced in area. A lead is attached to a stake that can be pounded into the ground. Attach the dog to the lead and SHAZAM your dog can enjoy the outdoors and you know where he is. It’s a win/win!

Because the tie out is such a simple and useful device, I want to believe that the neighbor Chihuahua is securely tethered as she barks like a crazed banshee and leaps about with every ounce of her five pound strength while Betty and I walk down the sidewalk.

Betty, a senior but still vital Akita mix, is a lovely dog. Once during a walk, she grabbed a squirrel in her mouth (in all fairness to Betty, the squirrel ran right under her nose). Seeing Betty with the squirrel, I said DROP IT! She gave me a look that said, sorry dear, no dice. She then bit down on the squirrel and dropped its limp body on the sidewalk.

Though Betty has mellowed some with the years, she still gets her back up every time that demented little dog goes into another of her bark fests.

Now, the tie down stake, like any tool, only works properly if used properly. And the thing about such stakes is they must be pounded fully into the ground in order for the system to be effective. You can’t just plunk it softly in the flower bed like a plastic tag that identifies a flower.

In the several years I’ve been walking Betty that raucous Chihuahua has lived with a vacuous woman of middle age a few doors down on the opposite side of the street. Certainly, a little dog barking through a window as you walk by, merits minor notice. But once the dog is outside the house, the rules change. My first priority is always the safety of the dog I’m with. But naturally, I am not unconcerned with the fate of any other dogs involved. And obviously, a five pounder is no match for the fifty pound Betty. Let’s face it, to Betty that Chihuahua is just a big annoying squirrel.

That it happened, yet again, was inevitable. Betty and I are walking on the other side of the street. Little wacko dog is in tie down, yapping and zipping around. She lunges in our direction. Because the tie out stake was put in like a thumb tack, the exuberant little hoodlum easily pulls it out of the soil. She makes a beeline for us, running across the street, the line with the stake on the end clanging behind her tragicomically. Incredibly, at that moment there was no lawn crew truck with trailer thundering down the street nor was there a big UPS truck roaring through the neighborhood.

God once again spared this small beast. Perhaps the little wretch suffers enough living with a nincompoop. The good Lord must feel it unnecessary to add to that ignominy with being squashed like a bug in the street.

The tiny freak stands inches from us barking wildly. Betty, to her credit, seems to have bored of this nonsense and remains at my side instead of grabbing the hapless fool in her mouth and snapping her spine. As usual, the imbecile who owns this dog who has cheated death more times than I can count (and those are just the ones I know about!) appears on her porch saying, “Oh! Sorry sorry! ".

Then the moronic woman runs across the street just as heedlessly and with equal luck as does her dog. “She won’t hurt you!” The boob tells me for the umpteenth time.

With each exchange, I am less polite but say roughly the same thing: Because of your careless stupidity your very small dog has only just escaped death. Now, what exactly are you sorry about?

Even dumb folks can learn. Some just choose not to.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Neighbor Child (fiction)

There he was again. Riding his bicycle back and forth on the sidewalk. His mother had probably told him, "go only as far as the yellow house" because he never ventured beyond the far end of my property. He was an old style exemplar of little boy Americana, light brown hair in a bowl cut over a round face, about five or six years old. His big eyes flitted around but never seemed to land on anything. No doubt, many people thought he was a cute kid. But to me he was not cute, nor was he in any way, endearing. He was my nemesis.

Immune to the charm of children, I had given him little attention. The simple hello or wave that worked on adult neighbors had never proved effective with neighbor children. Therefore, I tended to ignore them. This proved perilous.

At first, the neighbor child ignored me, too. Then one day, he rode his bike up to my gate and stared into my backyard. Naturally, my dogs went to the fence and barked at him. The child just stared. In spite of my indifference to children, I had noticed that they usually like dogs. But he just stared. No squeals of delight, no small fingers reaching through the fence to touch. My dogs, sensing a terrible weirdness, kept on barking, in fact becoming more and more agitated at the child's spooky vacant presence. I put down my trowel and walked to the gate. Immediately, the child turned his bicycle around and peddled down the driveway and back toward his house. Six innocent dog eyes begged me for comfort. I petted them and said, "it's OK. He's gone."

He didn't stay gone. Later that day, the dogs and I were inside the house. Something must have caught my eye- a flash of chrome or a dash of handlebar fringe- so I glanced out the window. The neighbor child was riding his bicycle on my front lawn around and around the big tree. I watched incredulous, hypnotized. Then he steered his bike into the flower bed, leaving behind a fresh tread mark in between the tulips and the holly bush. I lunged out the front door and bellowed, "what are you doing?"

His head jerked in my direction and for an instant our eyes met. Did I see evil?

He broke eye contact and I zoomed into my firm grown-up voice. "You know better than to ride your bike in the flowers."

The child said nothing. He just stared. Though his gaze did not meet mine again, it hovered near, somewhere around my shoulders. I know now why my dogs had been so freaked out. "Go home," I said. The child turned his bike and moved off in the direction of his house.

The following day came a repeat performance. This time I told him if I ever saw him riding on my grass or flowerbeds I would tell on him. Oddly, this threat that had been so very dire when I was his age, seemed to have no effect on him. His big blank eyes flitted fly-like, showing no hint of remorse and certainly not the fear or dread that I expected from him. For a moment, I felt fear. What if he was a psychopath? Or what was it called now, antisocial personality? Whatever you call them, didn't they start by torturing animals before moving on to humans? No wonder my dogs needed comfort after their close encounter.

"Go home," I told the neighbor child. He turned his bicycle onto the side walk and rode away.

The welcome mat on my front porch sat just about a thin crack in the concrete slab. For years that crack remained unchanged. Then, seemingly overnight, the crack grew. Interestingly, this occurred about the same time that the neighbor child began to appear regularly. Before long the crack became a crevasse. I feared for the mailman. Contractors came and measured and wrote up estimates. The crack had become immanently treacherous so I placed one of those orange warning cones on the scariest section so that anyone walking on the porch could avoid falling in.

The cone did not go unnoticed by the neighbor child. He rode up to the porch, got off his bike and climbed the stairs. He sat on the top step and tipped the cone enough to peer underneath it. I wondered if he had been dared to do it, like kids will dare each other to approach a haunted house. Perhaps not, for this child was always alone.

Later that same day I heard what I thought was a police or fire siren. Curiously, the sound did not increase, nor did it fade. It continued unchanging, as though it was right outside my house. A flash of worry struck me- maybe one of my neighbors was being loaded into an ambulance. I saw nothing from the front window. The siren sound continued. It seemed to be coming from my kitchen. I dashed to the window over the sink and looked out. I could hear the siren clearly now. I looked down. There it was, the source of the sound.

The neighbor child sat on his bicycle under my kitchen window howling unrelentingly, a demented alarm. The pitch was piercing and the fact that it emanated from this boy was beyond eerie and I felt something that was less than terror but far more than consternation. In that moment, the thought first occurred to me to ask the mason to entomb the neighbor child in the new front porch.

I am a gentle person, really. Edgar Allen Poe type notions don't come readily. But there was something about this bizarre boy that changed me. Truly, it was not me, it must have been he, who brought about this macabre episode.

I stepped outside onto the porch. Moving the cone aside, I held my eye just about the hole. The air was cool and stale. I squinted and strained to see down into the hole but saw only blackness. What was down there? Bricks? Dirt? A tiny squeaking came from somewhere in the abyss. Field Mice? A ground squirrel's nest? Demons? Imps? Thoroughly spooked, I replaced the cone and hurried inside, locking the door behind me.

The following day my broadcast spreader filled with corn gluten, I proceeded to feed the lawn. Many of my neighbors employed companies with trucks that carry poisons. Workers drive these trucks to my neighbor's homes to spray the poison onto their lawns. Then they erect tiny flags at the lawns edge to warn of the danger. Their lawns are green but it is not a natural green, rather, a glow-in-the-dark unearthly green. My lawn was green. The green of a wild meadow, a green you can stroll on with bare feet without getting cancer.

The neighbor child stopped his bicycle on the sidewalk in front of my house. Walking behind the spreader, I passed close to where the child sat on his bike. His spooky eyes danced randomly. I turned to spread another row, up and down in orderly lines. When I turned back again, the neighbor child was gone. There was no sign of him on the sidewalk in either direction. I shivered and kept spreading. When I finished, I noticed the orange cone on the porch was askew.

Drawing closer to the porch, I thought I heard something. Peering into the crack revealed nothing but darkness. I turned away then heard the something again. A voice? Though I spun around in all directions, I saw no one.

"I can assist you," said a clear soft voice.

"Who's there?" I asked.

"I am your servant," said the voice.

"Where are you?" I demanded.

"In here. I've always been here."

I felt a chill. The voice came from the porch. "What do you want?" I asked.

"To help you," said the voice.

"Let me see you," I said.

There was no response. I waited, listening hard. A thick silence enveloped me. No birds sang, no cars roared, the trees stood motionless.

Finally the voice said, "what do you want most?"

What an important question. What did I want most? To be happy ? Rich? Have more privacy? Freedom? Respect? Piece of mind? Wisdom? The perfect salsa recipe?

Suddenly I felt foolish, crazy, even. There I stood having a conversation with my broken front porch. I glanced around. The street was empty except for a red car with a crumbled tail light parked in front of the house next door. There were no people, no animals, no movement anywhere on the street. I longed for the obnoxious drone of a leaf blower to shatter the unnerving stillness. Glancing down the street toward the neighbor child's house, I could just make out his front lawn and his bicycle sprawled carelessly near the sidewalk.

"I'll get back to you," I muttered at the porch and rushed into the backyard. I could not be sure, for I was breathing hard, but a small chuckle seemed to follow me.

After a dreamless nights sleep, I felt renewed and clearheaded. Certainly, I had not heard a voice from the porch. I must have spent too much time in the sun. My confusion and distress were perfectly understandable. A wide brimmed hat would put an end to this nonsense.

However, no amount of sun exposure could explain the chalk design that appeared on the sidewalk at the foot of the walkway leading up to my front porch. I stood over the chalk marks, expecting to find a hop scotch pattern or names inside a heart. Instead, it was a perfect circle nearly filling a square section of sidewalk. The circle was drawn in yellow chalk. A curious pattern, also drawn in yellow, lined the inside of the circle. These markings weren't letters, at least not from any alphabet I knew of. Within this border of strange symbols was a design resembling flowers, done in pink chalk. These flower things surrounded a human figure drawn in blue. A single line of blue chalk started at the circle's outer edge and ran down the sidewalk. I followed the line. It ended at the neighbor child's house. The line turned and vanished into the grass under the child's bicycle.

I walked quickly back toward home on legs stiff with fear and stood again at the chalk circle. A pink line ran from the circle up to my front porch. Suddenly I heard a roar. I gasped, whirling around to see a large pick-up truck slowing to a stop in front of my house. A man, wearing a dusty bandanna on his head and thick work boots on this feet, jumped out of the truck.

"Hello, ma'am" the man said. He moved behind the truck and pulled a big sledge hammer out of the truck bed. Carrying the heavy hammer easily in one hand, he moved past me to the porch. "I'm gonna break up the slab now," he said and swung the hammer with a dull thud.

I went out to buy a hat. When I returned, the workman was gone and so was the top of the porch. Yellow caution tape surrounded the area. Chunks of concrete lay inside the porch foundation, like tissue paper filling a gift box. I hoped the ground squirrels had gotten out in time.

The pink chalk line that had been on the walkway, had vanished. The chalk circle remained. The blue line that ran from the circle down the sidewalk to the neighbor child's house was still there, though it appeared to have faded.

There was the neighbor child coming toward me, riding his bicycle along the blue line. I went inside the house and let the dogs out into the backyard. They barked at the neighbor child as he sat on his bicycle inside the yellow chalk circle. His weird empty eyes moved over the porch crater. He seemed to want to proceed up the walkway but his bike wouldn't move. The child's eyebrows furrowed. He tried again and again to move the bike toward the porch. Finally, he turned the bike toward his house and rode away.

Later, when it was dark, I stood before the porch. The street light cast a dabbled shadow on the rough pile of broken concrete. A voice from somewhere under the rubble said, "you have to do your part now."

"What?" I said, stupidly.

"Really now, stop being silly," the voice said. "I took care of the first part of the spell. You must do your part now. Only together can we complete the spell."

Somehow I'd known. Indeed, I had known for a long time. Even before the voice or the design on the sidewalk, I had sensed that some sort of Bogie man dwelled under the porch. Of course, my rational mind had pushed the notion aside.

"Wait," I said.

"There has been enough waiting," said the voice. "You are one who respects our earth. I will help you. But you must do as I say."

I stood silently trembling for a long time, uncertain what to do, what to believe. At last, I said, "I'm going inside now." I turned to go, then added, oddly, "good night."

"Good night," the voice said.

I heard no disappointment in the voice's tone and felt relief.

The next day, I was in my backyard staking Peonies. My dogs barked. There he was again. The neighbor child. He was on a scooter this time. He stood with one foot on the scooter, one foot in my driveway. His hands gripped the handle bars, his knuckles aimed at me. The child stared his vacant infuriating stare at me, at the yard, at the air surrounding us. I resolved then to finish the spell.

Once it was dark, I faced the porch. "What must I do?"

Very good," said the voice. "Now listen carefully."

I listened, all the while hoping that this creature would not show itself. Surely, it was a Legion of the Night and I, a foolish mortal.

Using my garden spade, I cut a circle into the lawn as instructed. I stepped inside the circle and waited. The air was warm and damp. In the distance, crickets chirped. My nose picked up delectable whiffs of meat cooking on a barbecue somewhere. A car drove past, pulsing with rap music. On the other side of the street, a man walked with a white dog on a leash. They paid me no notice as I stood in the shadows of my front lawn.

The voice began a chant of unfamiliar words. I closed my eyes and hoped for the best, trusting in this Geomancy, Majic, Sorcery, whatever it was that I had given in to. The voice sang it's strange song in the dark and I sensed nothing else but the power of the spell. Finally, it was silent and I opened my eyes. Nothing seemed different except that I now felt alone.

"Thank you," I said toward the porch. I glanced around, feeling embarrassed and guilty. What had I just done? Was I now in league with Satan's Soldiers? I fled into the house.

Once inside, I no longer felt afraid. Of anything. And not simply because I was safely locked in the house. Something had happened to me. Magic, perhaps.

A few days later, a new concrete slab was poured. I put the welcome mat out again. The spade cuts in the lawn had closed up, like a minor wound healed. The yellow circle was still there on the sidewalk but the blue figure inside it had faded so that it was barely visible. The blue line that ran from the circle down to the neighbor child's house had disappeared. A FOR SALE sign stood on the neighbor child's front lawn in the same spot that he had heedlessly tossed his bicycle.

A month later a SOLD sign perched on top of the FOR SALE sign. I got into the habit of wearing my wide brimmed hat when I did yard work. One night brought a thunder storm with heavy rain. In the morning, the chalk circle was gone. I never saw the neighbor child again. The voice from the porch has been silent.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

It takes a village to water a dog

Over the years, my dog walking duties have taken me to many many suburban neighborhoods. Some are filled with modest homes and big old trees shading the streets and some feature McMansions with uppity copper trim on the windows. One thing all the locales have in common: lawns.

Lawns are as varied as the people who own them. There's the putting green style lawn and the fairway style lawn. Then there's the family lawn, a study in sturdy survival under swing sets and games of catch. The lazy or environmentally fanatical go for the weird succulents xeroscape or the hardy ground covers separated by brick pathways.

Dogs and lawns are not always an amiable match. (The lawns themselves are almost always civil, it's just some lawn owners who are hostile.) Having walked dogs since childhood and professionally for about fifteen years, I think I have studied a large enough sample to say with certainty that most dogs go potty, number one and/or number two, while on a walk. Naturally, I carry poop bags with me for the eventuality of number twos. Number one is another matter. Let's just say the lawn will have to absorb that occurrence.

This elimination stuff is where things can get unpleasant on the lawn front. Once I was walking a very large black mutt named Jed. Jed lived with five or six cats and was an affable lug. He didn't look it to the casual observer, he looked big and strong and serious. Still, as Jed defecated and I was pulling a poop bag out of my back pocket a man ran screaming towards us and didn't stop until he was standing toe to toe with me. He yelled in my face, "you let your dog take a shit on people's lawns?"

"Yes," I said. "Then I pick it up."

Meanwhile, Jed was still going.

The man shrieked, "but you let him shit on people's lawns!"

"Yes," I repeated. "Then I pick it up."

By now Jed was done and stood there uninterested in our conversation. The man backed up a step and sputtered. "You're an asshole!" he said.

I said, "no sir. You are an asshole."

His lips moved but he made no sound. He grimaced and balled his hands into fists. Still, he was too flummoxed to speak. Suddenly he turned and fled, then vanished through the front door of his house. I bent down and picked up Jed's effort.


Then one day I was walking an old customer in his new neighborhood. This is another big easy going dog, though with Roger it is more obvious. Roger is a Golden Retriever. He is a little unusual in that he squats to urinate. Apparently he never learned how to lift his leg. Then he was neutered and it became unnecessary to go through all that strenuous marking. So when he tinkled on this guy's lawn he emptied his bladder. The guy came flying out of his front door, almost as though he had been lying in wait for just such a crime to be committed.

"Hey!" He was yelling at me, not Roger. Indeed, Roger appeared to be invisible to him. "That's a new lawn!"

You know how sometimes you just don't have a response? This was one of those times.

The man moved closer, even though Roger had finished and had moved between us.

"What am I gonna do about my lawn?" the man demanded. He put his hands on his hips. It was probably a pose more prissy than he intended.

I pointed to a loosely coiled hose mere feet away. Roger and I walked on.

The man shook his fist at me and yelled, "screw you, lady!"

Still at a loss for words, I blew him a kiss.


Winston's neighborhood does not have sidewalks. It still has lawns, of course. It was a brisk day, I remember I was wearing gloves and carrying a loaded poop bag. A man stood in his driveway holding a long handled garden tool. He waved at me and said pleasantly, "hello neighbor."

I responded in kind. The man walked down his driveway to the street. He informed me that he was the president of the neighborhood watch group. The garden tool in his hand was one of those fork things. The points of the three tines looked sharp. The man rubbed the tines with a rag. The gesture was vaguely threatening yet oddly comical.

He said, "I don't think dogs should be allowed to relieve themselves on people's lawns." He jerked his head at the bag in my hand. "Even if you pick it up."

I said, "well, there's probably lots of things about neighbors that can be annoying. For instance, I don't like the sound of a bouncing basketball after ten pm. " I smiled at the man with the garden tool.

Winston the Wheaten Terrier stood beside me, calmly watching us.

Still moving the rag on his tool the president of the neighborhood watch group questioned me- where did I live, did I always take the same route when I walked, etc. When he learned I was working, that Winston was my client and I was his dog walker, he suggested that it wasn't legal. I assured him it was. He repeated his belief that dogs should not be allowed to walk and mess on lawns. Punctuating with his garden fork, he told me he didn't like the fact that I was doing it for money.

I suggested he take it up with his vice president.

He said, "what do you mean?"

"The vice president of your neighborhood group," I said pleasantly.

Finally he stopped rubbing his tool and pointed at Winston. "This is Fran's dog?"

"Yes," I said and walked toward Winston's and Fran's house.


Now it is mid spring. The lawns are so lush this time of year.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Census Takers

How many census takers does it take to fill out a census form? Four, apparently.

It happened in a Southfield neighborhood last week. Only the dog was at home. The guys mowing the lawn report that four census takers stood at the door for ten minutes. The lawn crew told them nobody was home but the dog. The four census takers stood at the door for ten minutes anyway, knocking and ringing the bell.

How much do census takers get paid per hour? Eleven dollars? Seventeen? In either case, it is a pretty good hourly rate that we the tax payers are paying for four census takers to torment the family dog for ten minutes at a time.