Friday, March 10, 2017
Wild Wind
It blew the top off the duck house! No ducks were harmed. They were safely at large.
Remember that delightful tree full of birds? There's a reason there were no leaves on that tree. That reason is not because it's still winter. Well, the big wind was too much for it's deadness to remain upright.
Now it lies horizontal. Interestingly, birds still perch on it. Will they sing? We'll stayed tuned.
How this for wild? On that windy day, I had just finished tidying up the wood supply, noting that there was room for more wood, planning to gather some. Then the tree fell.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Ticked
Ah, spring. The grass is greening up, trees are budding. Hungry ticks lie in wait.
Ticks have four life cycles: egg, larval, nymph and adult. They eat nothing but blood throughout their lives. There are two general types of ticks: hard and soft. Adult hard ticks look roughly like a sunflower seed. They have a hard shell behind their mouth parts (mouth parts -as in- what looks like it's head. As though ticks aren't creepy enough, they sort of don't have a head.) Soft ticks resemble a raisin. Hard ticks tend to feed on dogs and cats and people while soft ticks prefer birds and bats.
The usual scenario finds a tick waiting in the grass or on a shrub. When a warm blooded animal passes close by, the tick climbs aboard. Then the stowaway tick makes its way to a spot on that animal to settle in, bite into the skin, then hang there and eat. It takes several days for a tick to eat it's fill.
Ticks are Arachnids. Other members of the Arachid family are spiders, mites and scorpions. These creatures, when full grown, have fours pair of legs and no antennae. (Insects have three pair of legs and one pair of antennae.)
When you find a newly arrived tick on you or your dog you can remove it with the sticky side of a piece of tape. However, if the tick has been on the body for a while, it'll have dug it's fangs in, so you'll need to pull it off, ideally with tweezers, aiming close to the skin so as to get all of the tick off.
Now. Kill it.
Less than one finger of alcohol does the job. Teetotalers find soapy water works too.
Not only do ticks leave their unwilling host feeling an awful bodily violation, there's also a grim chance the tick will leave a disease behind. Then there's the unpleasant paranoia that comes after one finds a tick on the body of oneself or a loved one. Every smallish object from a pebble to a piece of lint becomes the specter of doom and defilement.
Then there's the formication. You know, that ghastly tactile hallucination whereby one feels there is something crawling on the skin.
To paraphrase Waylon Jennings. Are you ready for the country, are you ready for ticks?
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Grampa, I've Hit the Big Time!
The years rolled on. Soon, I had my own home and lawn. I used a push mower to handle the grass. Nice and quiet. Powered by my own sweat.
More years roll on. Now my "lawn" is several acres. I still use that push mower around the edges of the house, garage, fence and so on. The rest of the grass requires something more than an open cylinder with revolving knife blades powered by my measly sweat.
Enter: the Lawn Tractor. Grampa's riding lawn mower was a Tonka Toy in comparison!
Thanks Grampa. My time on your mower helped prepare me for this milestone. I'm moving up a cut.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Boxed
Check out this view from the kitchen window.
Meanwhile, the boxes full of our stuff are lined up in rows with aisles in between. This arrangement works well in the big garage but in the little living room, it's grand, as long as you don't mind walking sideways to move from one side of the room to the other.
Sure, it's easy for you to be easy going, dogs, you aren't still looking for your favorite paring knife.
And the picture hanger thingies.
Maybe the thing to do is to go outside......
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Decoyed
A place where fish and frogs frolic.
This year the frog population is down.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Earthworms
When the ground is flooded by heavy rain, worms come to the surface because now they are too moist. The water surrounding the worm blocks (breathing) the emission of carbon dioxide through the worm's skin. The worm's body retains this gas. Thus the worms surfaces to release that gas by breathing.
Worms live in burrows underground. The burrows are created as the worm moves its muscular mucus coated body through the soil. Worms eat leaves, both decayed and fresh, and assorted plant material. They ingest soil too.
Digestion
The gut, or food tube, runs from the mouth to the anus. The mouth of the worm has no teeth or jaws, it sucks in food and dirt. The material goes through the esophagus to the crop. Next stop is the gizzard where tiny stones in the soil work to grind the food. Then the material goes to the intestine where digested food goes into the blood stream and non digested material exits via the anus.
Worm poop, or castings, is beneficial to the soil thanks to minerals and improved texture brought about by worm processing.
The pointed end of the worm is the beginning, or head (left, in photo below). The thick band about 1/3 of the way down the worm is the saddle, or clitellum. The end of the worm (right, in photo below) is where the anus is located.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Box Eldering City Hall
A couple of branches as big around as a baseball bat reached out from that tree and hung over my front lawn. For most of the summer I mowed the lawn with one forearm thrown over my face. Finally, I cut off some of the smaller branches when I was convinced of the very real possibility that the next time I mowed my lawn I might just lose an eye. These scraggly branches were small in diameter and easily cut off, and up, with a hand pruner. Right now, they lie decaying in the compost pile.
The baseball bat sized branches had additional branch shoots of course, and those branches hung over the sidewalk. A tall person or a kid on a bike would be struck in the face. What I did next is to blame for the city hall unpleasantness.
Taking my saw on a stick, I went after those baseball bat sized branches. A while later, sweaty, and with saw dust decorating my cheeks, I had removed the ugly hazards. Trouble is, now there were these big branches to dispose of. The rules in my city for yard waste pick up don't include big branches. In short, I was stuck with these big branches. What now? Whip out a chain saw? I'd already used up precious yard work time on somebody else's job! It was at this point, that I committed Unforgivable Act Number 2.
Call it naivete. Call it an unfounded notion that most people are nice and reasonable. Call it whatever you like. With full knowledge that the rules in my city for yard waste pick up do not allow for big sprawling nasty branches, I left sprawling nasty branches at the curb anyway- certain that when the guys in the big city truck made their weekly swing down my street, they would see those branches for what they were and take them away.
They did not. They did, however, move the branches fully up off the street, onto the grass.
Next thing I know I am on the phone with Junior Miss Bureaucrat of the city's Department of Public Service. Snippily, she informed me that I choose to cut those branches down. They were now my responsibility, not the city's. She added that I should have called the city about the tree. Realizing it was pointless to explain to this functionary that the first thought that enters my mind when something needs to be done is most certainly not to call a civil servant, I thanked her for her "help" and hung up.
My next idea was to talk to a grown up. Thus, later, I went two minutes out of my way to stop by the office of the Department of Public Service. I figured I'd appeal to the guy who maintains the trees; straight talk, one callused handed can-doer to another. Greeting me at the office window with faux friendliness was a middle aged man, his lanky limbs draped languidly over an office chair as though it were a pool lounger.
He said, "how are you?" (Pet Peeve Alert! Most of us are asked at least eight times a day HOWAREYOU and if we are lucky, one of those times comes from someone who actually cares how you are. The rest of the time, the question comes from someone who is filling space with chatter that exists only to delay the point of the encounter). I asked to speak to a supervisor over streets/trees.
Mr. Pool Lounger gave me a look that conveyed: oh you asked for something really stupid but I am here to help so listen up while I patronize you. "Mr. Tree Supervisor is out with the crew on the street with the trees," he oozed. "He checks in for messages though." He handed me a pink pad of sticky notes. "Fair enough?" he added, bizarrely.
I wrote my name and number down while he unctuously explained how busy Mr. Tree Supervisor was.
What do you bet that sticky note with my name and number was crumbled and tossed on the floor before I made it to the parking lot?
No phone call as been received from Mr. Tree Supervisor or anyone else from the Department of Public Service as of this writing.
Knock me over with a dried up garbage tree leaf.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Whose Tomatoes?
Friday, April 13, 2012
Lady Bugs
Ladybird Beetles eat aphids, mites, scales, and other pest style bugs. A pest bug is one that eats plants, particularly plants that humans grow for food or show. This is why Lady Bugs are considered "good bugs". A few thousand Ladybird Beetles can control the aphid population on an acre of land.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Blame it on the Bandersnatch
Blame it on the Bossa Nova with it's magic spell
Blame it on the Bossa Nova that he did so well
All it took was just one little dance
and then it ended up a big romance
Blame it on the Bossa Nova
the dance of love
For as long as I can remember, the remedy for a song stuck in my head has been the same. Sing a partially remembered song I learned in grade school music class.
The Mademoiselle from something something parlez-vous
The Mademoiselle from something something parlez-vous
The Mademoiselle and blah blah blah
the Mademoiselle and la la la
Rinky dinky parlez- vous
It almost always works. By the time I hit the Rinky Dinky line for the second or third time, the song that was stuck in my head is banished. Curiously, it is not replaced by the Mademoiselle song. Why? Maybe it's because I don't understand French and don't really know what the song is about. Perhaps I believe it'll work, so it does. Could be that it's happy magic.
Now and then, however, it doesn't work. For some dark reason the Rinky Dinky doesn't erase the tape in my head so I must try something else. I've tried singing other songs. Other songs don't work. If the Mademoiselle song fails, another song will not work either.
Forcing myself to think about other stuff sometimes works but - and this is sort of neat- what I think about must be novel. I can't simply fill my head with say, loving thoughts of The Handsome One. I can't proudly recall past successes on the softball field. Imaginative interpretations of cloud formations are an effective strategy. Wild conspiracy theories work. Lots of different ideas have proved successful in removing the song. But they must be absolutely new ideas.
Absent the novel element, I'll just end up thinking about something with the unwelcome song in the background. This is an improvement, but not a solution. Thus, I must come up with a completely unique thought.
My yard, as it so often does, offered inspiration. From the yard sprung a novelty.
There was a hole in the ground in the grass right next to a stepping stone. A spray of dirt fanned from one side of the hole. It was not a terribly large hole, thus the likely culprit was a ground squirrel. I already had a trowel in my hand. (I'd been picking up after my dogs). So I filled the hole back up with the trowel and gave it a couple of good firm stomps with my foot.
The following day, as usual, I was patrolling the yard, armed with the trowel. Back at that stepping stone, the hole had been re dug. The spray of dirt now surrounded the hole, as though punctuating the message: this hole is here to stay! Feeling vaguely uneasy, I glanced around. Then I crouched down and peered into the hole, half expecting to be struck in the face with whatever this hole dweller used as a weapon. It was at this moment that I recalled a really cool vocabulary word.
bandersnatch (BAN-der- snach) noun
-an imaginary wild animal of fierce disposition
Suppose a bandersnatch dug that hole? There may be a bandersnatch living under my back yard. Perhaps there are a series of tunnels running under the yards in the entire neighborhood. Suppose there are dozens, even hundreds of bandersnatches coordinating some nefarious plot?
Eydie Gorme' and the Bossa Nova have left my head.
I carry a larger trowel these days.
source: dictonary.com
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Worse than Skunk
One of my other dogs pointedly sniffed at her neck, tattle tale syle. This alerted me. There was a dark smudge visible on her hair at the side of her neck. I leaned in to sniff the smudge and almost threw up. The dog who committed this heinous roll will henceforth be referred to as Stinky. We'll call her Stinky too. That is, when we start speaking to her again.
The only, and I mean ONLY bright spot in this wretched episode is the fact that excrement washes out more readily than does the oily stuff that skunks spray. Yes, for the horrific dung- lather rinse repeat x 3 did the trick.
By the way, for skunk spray clean up you'll need: White vinegar or 3 % hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and dish detergent. (The ratios are roughtly: 1 liter, 1/4 cup, 1 teaspoon.) Repeat lots of times. Or call a professional. Some companies have portable grooming stations inside a van which they'll park in your driveway while they deskunk your dog for you.
But if you're like me, you wash your own. Therefore, I have a stash of assorted doggy shampoos always at the ready. To eradicate Stinky's impromptu putrid adventure, I went with a deodorant version offering a pleasing Cucumber Melon bouquet.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Snowy Sounds
You may wonder, when does a dog walker walk her own dog? Well, this dog walker walks her dog first thing in the morning. Which explains why Lois and I were digging a path from the back door to the gate in the Monday morning dark. Once I dug the snow out surrounding the gate allowing exit from the backyard, I figured I might as well dig a path for my husband, The Handsome One's truck. My vehicle was safely tucked in the garage but the truck sat in the driveway covered with a thick pristine sparkly white. By the time I reached the truck's rear view mirror, I was on a roll so I kept shovelling towards the porch. (Fun fact: I am a back door gal. THO is a front door guy. Just goes to show- opposites attract.)
As I labored with the shovel, all around me was the amazing sound of snow. The stillness of it. The peaceful perfection of it. Somehow it mutes ordinary sound while at the same time, acoustically enhances it. The indistinct drone of a neighbor's voice over grass becomes clearly audible words over snow.
Two doors down a man ran a snow blower. Three doors down in the other direction that woman who never makes eye contact scurried around her little car. The snow blower was silent for a minute or two. Then like a bell, a single word exploded through the morning. "F*ck!" This was followed by silence and more of that calm stillness. Then the snow blower man took up a shovel and steady rhythmic scraping against concrete punctuated the calm.
This brings to mind other snowy sounds of note: "shrunch shrunch" is the sound of boots on packed snow at twenty degrees. "Shrork shork" is the sound boots make when it is ten degrees. At thirty-three degrees, a snowball striking a big dog's flank goes, "pthumptf".
Lois waited patiently while I shovelled. She stood inside the gate watching me and watching for the rabbit that seems to live under the tree stump near the driveway. We see the rabbit more often in winter. His gray-brown fur is easy to spot against a white back drop. When he moves through the snow the sound is a faint "zsit zsitp".
More on the bunny, later.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Icy Procrastination
Leaf rakes work very well in moving fallen leaves around. They require no power other than muscle. And they are less likely to cause writhing than are leaf blowers. Procrastinate on raking leaves in November and in March the leaves will still be there, sodden. Then you must stomp on the mushy ground to remove them. This is not recommended.
You can put off indoor chores. Do your spring cleaning in summer? Why not! Most outdoor chores have a smaller window. Take the rain barrel, for example. As we all know, water freezes into ice. Leave your rain barrels out too far into fall and you have rock hard barrels. The hull of the barrel is then exposed to the damaging stress of expansion. When things finally thaw out you have a leaky rain barrel. This is not recommended.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Neighbor Child (fiction)
Immune to the charm of children, I had given him little attention. The simple hello or wave that worked on adult neighbors had never proved effective with neighbor children. Therefore, I tended to ignore them. This proved perilous.
At first, the neighbor child ignored me, too. Then one day, he rode his bike up to my gate and stared into my backyard. Naturally, my dogs went to the fence and barked at him. The child just stared. In spite of my indifference to children, I had noticed that they usually like dogs. But he just stared. No squeals of delight, no small fingers reaching through the fence to touch. My dogs, sensing a terrible weirdness, kept on barking, in fact becoming more and more agitated at the child's spooky vacant presence. I put down my trowel and walked to the gate. Immediately, the child turned his bicycle around and peddled down the driveway and back toward his house. Six innocent dog eyes begged me for comfort. I petted them and said, "it's OK. He's gone."
He didn't stay gone. Later that day, the dogs and I were inside the house. Something must have caught my eye- a flash of chrome or a dash of handlebar fringe- so I glanced out the window. The neighbor child was riding his bicycle on my front lawn around and around the big tree. I watched incredulous, hypnotized. Then he steered his bike into the flower bed, leaving behind a fresh tread mark in between the tulips and the holly bush. I lunged out the front door and bellowed, "what are you doing?"
His head jerked in my direction and for an instant our eyes met. Did I see evil?
He broke eye contact and I zoomed into my firm grown-up voice. "You know better than to ride your bike in the flowers."
The child said nothing. He just stared. Though his gaze did not meet mine again, it hovered near, somewhere around my shoulders. I know now why my dogs had been so freaked out. "Go home," I said. The child turned his bike and moved off in the direction of his house.
The following day came a repeat performance. This time I told him if I ever saw him riding on my grass or flowerbeds I would tell on him. Oddly, this threat that had been so very dire when I was his age, seemed to have no effect on him. His big blank eyes flitted fly-like, showing no hint of remorse and certainly not the fear or dread that I expected from him. For a moment, I felt fear. What if he was a psychopath? Or what was it called now, antisocial personality? Whatever you call them, didn't they start by torturing animals before moving on to humans? No wonder my dogs needed comfort after their close encounter.
"Go home," I told the neighbor child. He turned his bicycle onto the side walk and rode away.
The welcome mat on my front porch sat just about a thin crack in the concrete slab. For years that crack remained unchanged. Then, seemingly overnight, the crack grew. Interestingly, this occurred about the same time that the neighbor child began to appear regularly. Before long the crack became a crevasse. I feared for the mailman. Contractors came and measured and wrote up estimates. The crack had become immanently treacherous so I placed one of those orange warning cones on the scariest section so that anyone walking on the porch could avoid falling in.
The cone did not go unnoticed by the neighbor child. He rode up to the porch, got off his bike and climbed the stairs. He sat on the top step and tipped the cone enough to peer underneath it. I wondered if he had been dared to do it, like kids will dare each other to approach a haunted house. Perhaps not, for this child was always alone.
Later that same day I heard what I thought was a police or fire siren. Curiously, the sound did not increase, nor did it fade. It continued unchanging, as though it was right outside my house. A flash of worry struck me- maybe one of my neighbors was being loaded into an ambulance. I saw nothing from the front window. The siren sound continued. It seemed to be coming from my kitchen. I dashed to the window over the sink and looked out. I could hear the siren clearly now. I looked down. There it was, the source of the sound.
The neighbor child sat on his bicycle under my kitchen window howling unrelentingly, a demented alarm. The pitch was piercing and the fact that it emanated from this boy was beyond eerie and I felt something that was less than terror but far more than consternation. In that moment, the thought first occurred to me to ask the mason to entomb the neighbor child in the new front porch.
I am a gentle person, really. Edgar Allen Poe type notions don't come readily. But there was something about this bizarre boy that changed me. Truly, it was not me, it must have been he, who brought about this macabre episode.
I stepped outside onto the porch. Moving the cone aside, I held my eye just about the hole. The air was cool and stale. I squinted and strained to see down into the hole but saw only blackness. What was down there? Bricks? Dirt? A tiny squeaking came from somewhere in the abyss. Field Mice? A ground squirrel's nest? Demons? Imps? Thoroughly spooked, I replaced the cone and hurried inside, locking the door behind me.
The following day my broadcast spreader filled with corn gluten, I proceeded to feed the lawn. Many of my neighbors employed companies with trucks that carry poisons. Workers drive these trucks to my neighbor's homes to spray the poison onto their lawns. Then they erect tiny flags at the lawns edge to warn of the danger. Their lawns are green but it is not a natural green, rather, a glow-in-the-dark unearthly green. My lawn was green. The green of a wild meadow, a green you can stroll on with bare feet without getting cancer.
The neighbor child stopped his bicycle on the sidewalk in front of my house. Walking behind the spreader, I passed close to where the child sat on his bike. His spooky eyes danced randomly. I turned to spread another row, up and down in orderly lines. When I turned back again, the neighbor child was gone. There was no sign of him on the sidewalk in either direction. I shivered and kept spreading. When I finished, I noticed the orange cone on the porch was askew.
Drawing closer to the porch, I thought I heard something. Peering into the crack revealed nothing but darkness. I turned away then heard the something again. A voice? Though I spun around in all directions, I saw no one.
"I can assist you," said a clear soft voice.
"Who's there?" I asked.
"I am your servant," said the voice.
"Where are you?" I demanded.
"In here. I've always been here."
I felt a chill. The voice came from the porch. "What do you want?" I asked.
"To help you," said the voice.
"Let me see you," I said.
There was no response. I waited, listening hard. A thick silence enveloped me. No birds sang, no cars roared, the trees stood motionless.
Finally the voice said, "what do you want most?"
What an important question. What did I want most? To be happy ? Rich? Have more privacy? Freedom? Respect? Piece of mind? Wisdom? The perfect salsa recipe?
Suddenly I felt foolish, crazy, even. There I stood having a conversation with my broken front porch. I glanced around. The street was empty except for a red car with a crumbled tail light parked in front of the house next door. There were no people, no animals, no movement anywhere on the street. I longed for the obnoxious drone of a leaf blower to shatter the unnerving stillness. Glancing down the street toward the neighbor child's house, I could just make out his front lawn and his bicycle sprawled carelessly near the sidewalk.
"I'll get back to you," I muttered at the porch and rushed into the backyard. I could not be sure, for I was breathing hard, but a small chuckle seemed to follow me.
After a dreamless nights sleep, I felt renewed and clearheaded. Certainly, I had not heard a voice from the porch. I must have spent too much time in the sun. My confusion and distress were perfectly understandable. A wide brimmed hat would put an end to this nonsense.
However, no amount of sun exposure could explain the chalk design that appeared on the sidewalk at the foot of the walkway leading up to my front porch. I stood over the chalk marks, expecting to find a hop scotch pattern or names inside a heart. Instead, it was a perfect circle nearly filling a square section of sidewalk. The circle was drawn in yellow chalk. A curious pattern, also drawn in yellow, lined the inside of the circle. These markings weren't letters, at least not from any alphabet I knew of. Within this border of strange symbols was a design resembling flowers, done in pink chalk. These flower things surrounded a human figure drawn in blue. A single line of blue chalk started at the circle's outer edge and ran down the sidewalk. I followed the line. It ended at the neighbor child's house. The line turned and vanished into the grass under the child's bicycle.
I walked quickly back toward home on legs stiff with fear and stood again at the chalk circle. A pink line ran from the circle up to my front porch. Suddenly I heard a roar. I gasped, whirling around to see a large pick-up truck slowing to a stop in front of my house. A man, wearing a dusty bandanna on his head and thick work boots on this feet, jumped out of the truck.
"Hello, ma'am" the man said. He moved behind the truck and pulled a big sledge hammer out of the truck bed. Carrying the heavy hammer easily in one hand, he moved past me to the porch. "I'm gonna break up the slab now," he said and swung the hammer with a dull thud.
I went out to buy a hat. When I returned, the workman was gone and so was the top of the porch. Yellow caution tape surrounded the area. Chunks of concrete lay inside the porch foundation, like tissue paper filling a gift box. I hoped the ground squirrels had gotten out in time.
The pink chalk line that had been on the walkway, had vanished. The chalk circle remained. The blue line that ran from the circle down the sidewalk to the neighbor child's house was still there, though it appeared to have faded.
There was the neighbor child coming toward me, riding his bicycle along the blue line. I went inside the house and let the dogs out into the backyard. They barked at the neighbor child as he sat on his bicycle inside the yellow chalk circle. His weird empty eyes moved over the porch crater. He seemed to want to proceed up the walkway but his bike wouldn't move. The child's eyebrows furrowed. He tried again and again to move the bike toward the porch. Finally, he turned the bike toward his house and rode away.
Later, when it was dark, I stood before the porch. The street light cast a dabbled shadow on the rough pile of broken concrete. A voice from somewhere under the rubble said, "you have to do your part now."
"What?" I said, stupidly.
"Really now, stop being silly," the voice said. "I took care of the first part of the spell. You must do your part now. Only together can we complete the spell."
Somehow I'd known. Indeed, I had known for a long time. Even before the voice or the design on the sidewalk, I had sensed that some sort of Bogie man dwelled under the porch. Of course, my rational mind had pushed the notion aside.
"Wait," I said.
"There has been enough waiting," said the voice. "You are one who respects our earth. I will help you. But you must do as I say."
I stood silently trembling for a long time, uncertain what to do, what to believe. At last, I said, "I'm going inside now." I turned to go, then added, oddly, "good night."
"Good night," the voice said.
I heard no disappointment in the voice's tone and felt relief.
The next day, I was in my backyard staking Peonies. My dogs barked. There he was again. The neighbor child. He was on a scooter this time. He stood with one foot on the scooter, one foot in my driveway. His hands gripped the handle bars, his knuckles aimed at me. The child stared his vacant infuriating stare at me, at the yard, at the air surrounding us. I resolved then to finish the spell.
Once it was dark, I faced the porch. "What must I do?"
Very good," said the voice. "Now listen carefully."
I listened, all the while hoping that this creature would not show itself. Surely, it was a Legion of the Night and I, a foolish mortal.
Using my garden spade, I cut a circle into the lawn as instructed. I stepped inside the circle and waited. The air was warm and damp. In the distance, crickets chirped. My nose picked up delectable whiffs of meat cooking on a barbecue somewhere. A car drove past, pulsing with rap music. On the other side of the street, a man walked with a white dog on a leash. They paid me no notice as I stood in the shadows of my front lawn.
The voice began a chant of unfamiliar words. I closed my eyes and hoped for the best, trusting in this Geomancy, Majic, Sorcery, whatever it was that I had given in to. The voice sang it's strange song in the dark and I sensed nothing else but the power of the spell. Finally, it was silent and I opened my eyes. Nothing seemed different except that I now felt alone.
"Thank you," I said toward the porch. I glanced around, feeling embarrassed and guilty. What had I just done? Was I now in league with Satan's Soldiers? I fled into the house.
Once inside, I no longer felt afraid. Of anything. And not simply because I was safely locked in the house. Something had happened to me. Magic, perhaps.
A few days later, a new concrete slab was poured. I put the welcome mat out again. The spade cuts in the lawn had closed up, like a minor wound healed. The yellow circle was still there on the sidewalk but the blue figure inside it had faded so that it was barely visible. The blue line that ran from the circle down to the neighbor child's house had disappeared. A FOR SALE sign stood on the neighbor child's front lawn in the same spot that he had heedlessly tossed his bicycle.
A month later a SOLD sign perched on top of the FOR SALE sign. I got into the habit of wearing my wide brimmed hat when I did yard work. One night brought a thunder storm with heavy rain. In the morning, the chalk circle was gone. I never saw the neighbor child again. The voice from the porch has been silent.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
It takes a village to water a dog
Lawns are as varied as the people who own them. There's the putting green style lawn and the fairway style lawn. Then there's the family lawn, a study in sturdy survival under swing sets and games of catch. The lazy or environmentally fanatical go for the weird succulents xeroscape or the hardy ground covers separated by brick pathways.
Dogs and lawns are not always an amiable match. (The lawns themselves are almost always civil, it's just some lawn owners who are hostile.) Having walked dogs since childhood and professionally for about fifteen years, I think I have studied a large enough sample to say with certainty that most dogs go potty, number one and/or number two, while on a walk. Naturally, I carry poop bags with me for the eventuality of number twos. Number one is another matter. Let's just say the lawn will have to absorb that occurrence.
This elimination stuff is where things can get unpleasant on the lawn front. Once I was walking a very large black mutt named Jed. Jed lived with five or six cats and was an affable lug. He didn't look it to the casual observer, he looked big and strong and serious. Still, as Jed defecated and I was pulling a poop bag out of my back pocket a man ran screaming towards us and didn't stop until he was standing toe to toe with me. He yelled in my face, "you let your dog take a shit on people's lawns?"
"Yes," I said. "Then I pick it up."
Meanwhile, Jed was still going.
The man shrieked, "but you let him shit on people's lawns!"
"Yes," I repeated. "Then I pick it up."
By now Jed was done and stood there uninterested in our conversation. The man backed up a step and sputtered. "You're an asshole!" he said.
I said, "no sir. You are an asshole."
His lips moved but he made no sound. He grimaced and balled his hands into fists. Still, he was too flummoxed to speak. Suddenly he turned and fled, then vanished through the front door of his house. I bent down and picked up Jed's effort.
Then one day I was walking an old customer in his new neighborhood. This is another big easy going dog, though with Roger it is more obvious. Roger is a Golden Retriever. He is a little unusual in that he squats to urinate. Apparently he never learned how to lift his leg. Then he was neutered and it became unnecessary to go through all that strenuous marking. So when he tinkled on this guy's lawn he emptied his bladder. The guy came flying out of his front door, almost as though he had been lying in wait for just such a crime to be committed.
"Hey!" He was yelling at me, not Roger. Indeed, Roger appeared to be invisible to him. "That's a new lawn!"
You know how sometimes you just don't have a response? This was one of those times.
The man moved closer, even though Roger had finished and had moved between us.
"What am I gonna do about my lawn?" the man demanded. He put his hands on his hips. It was probably a pose more prissy than he intended.
I pointed to a loosely coiled hose mere feet away. Roger and I walked on.
The man shook his fist at me and yelled, "screw you, lady!"
Still at a loss for words, I blew him a kiss.
Winston's neighborhood does not have sidewalks. It still has lawns, of course. It was a brisk day, I remember I was wearing gloves and carrying a loaded poop bag. A man stood in his driveway holding a long handled garden tool. He waved at me and said pleasantly, "hello neighbor."
I responded in kind. The man walked down his driveway to the street. He informed me that he was the president of the neighborhood watch group. The garden tool in his hand was one of those fork things. The points of the three tines looked sharp. The man rubbed the tines with a rag. The gesture was vaguely threatening yet oddly comical.
He said, "I don't think dogs should be allowed to relieve themselves on people's lawns." He jerked his head at the bag in my hand. "Even if you pick it up."
I said, "well, there's probably lots of things about neighbors that can be annoying. For instance, I don't like the sound of a bouncing basketball after ten pm. " I smiled at the man with the garden tool.
Winston the Wheaten Terrier stood beside me, calmly watching us.
Still moving the rag on his tool the president of the neighborhood watch group questioned me- where did I live, did I always take the same route when I walked, etc. When he learned I was working, that Winston was my client and I was his dog walker, he suggested that it wasn't legal. I assured him it was. He repeated his belief that dogs should not be allowed to walk and mess on lawns. Punctuating with his garden fork, he told me he didn't like the fact that I was doing it for money.
I suggested he take it up with his vice president.
He said, "what do you mean?"
"The vice president of your neighborhood group," I said pleasantly.
Finally he stopped rubbing his tool and pointed at Winston. "This is Fran's dog?"
"Yes," I said and walked toward Winston's and Fran's house.
Now it is mid spring. The lawns are so lush this time of year.





